Photo credit: David Gainforth
There are a lot of perks in being the hyper kid. When your mind never shuts off, there are some amazing things that one can accomplish. I work very well under the pressure of a deadline. I can operate two or three steps ahead. But with all of those perks, there are some not so great things. I am socially awkward due to the introvert side of me. My hyper-focus makes me a little too intense. My risk taking is often seen as attention seeking. This side of me – those little things that can bring shame- is a door that opens readily for dark thoughts.
I call it my big black dog. It comes out of nowhere and flattens me with its own brand of “affection”. And I’m stuck underneath until it decides that it’s done with me. I don’t ever have any warning signs; it strikes at different times each visit. It turns everything I do into an uphill battle. Except that hill is a mountain. And that battle is exhausting.
My thoughts turn into playground bullies and find pleasure in telling me that I am a failure. My heart becomes trapped in between a press so that every beat is strained. My skin is a weighted blanket that cocoons me. People that typically give the extroverted me energy to go on begin stealing my energy for themselves. I can barely breathe under the weight of my own self-loathing.
When you don’t move the mountains
I’m needing you to move
When you don’t part the waters
I wish I could walk through
When you don’t give the answer
As I cry out to you
I will trust in You
~Trust in You, Lauren Daigle
Words bring light.
Light pushes away the darkness.
I am whole again.
There is an enormous difference between depression without Jesus and depression with Jesus. That difference is hope. John 8:12 tells us that Jesus is the light of the world. With Him, we have the light of life.
Again Jesus spoke to them, saying, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” John 8:12 ESV
The light of life. I do not walk without darkness, but I do not walk in darkness.
I do not walk without darkness, but I do not walk in darkness.
I cannot do this on my own. I need to connect. Push to share. Walk with those who can help me. I need to trust that even though for however long my mind can only see darkness, God is preparing and building me for what is to come. I cannot do this alone. I need my Father to help me through. He has given me people to help and hope for what is to come.
Reaching out when I feel I should hide.
Kind words from friends.
Friends Checking in.
A blaze of light in every word.