I went to church yesterday. Except this time, I sat in the back. I wasn’t feeling much like praising and worshipping through the music. In fact, I didn’t even want to be there at all. I had a rough sleep and a hard session with the kids over the use of the word “fat”. They used it as a weapon against each other and it took me back to a place when I was the recipient of that weapon. Any darkness that had lifted over the past few weeks came rushing back in and there I was – at church trying to hide so that no one would see me hurting. I was standing there, in the furthest seat away, with my arms crossed and my head down – fully equipped to keep my distance.
Then I heard it. Well, first I felt it. It was the feeling of a father’s hand on my shoulder. Then an audible voice that said one name: David. And then a new song started playing. A song that reminded me who’s house I was in. The creator of the universe. He spoke and there was light. He lost His life, so I could live mine. He sees me even when I try to hide. He chases me down every time through all of my failure and pride to bring me back and remind me who I am.
God of salvation
You chased down my heart
Through all of my failure and pride
On a hill You created
The light of the world
Abandoned in darkness to die
And then that voice again. David. David is a favourite of mine. The greatest king who was also a big screw up. But even through his darkest times, he praised. He gave God credit and praise for every moment of his life – good or bad. Hearing his name was no mistake. It was God giving me that push to praise when I feel it the least. To sing when I feel like there’s no voice. To raise my head and square my shoulders because I am His child, a beloved daughter of the king. The King who, the moment He speaks, erases every failure disappears. Every single one!
And as You speak
A hundred billion failures disappear
Where You lost Your life so I could find it here
If You left the grave behind You so will I
So, there I was in all of my pain and despair, raising my hands and singing. God doesn’t keep a tally of my yesterdays. His focus is trained on my tomorrows. Jesus did not leave His grave for me to concentrate on what I have done. He died so I could focus on what I can do in His name!
If the stars were made to worship so will I
Lyrics from “So Will I (100 Billion X)” by Hillsong listen here