I have spent years being ashamed of the scars on my arms. I was so aware of them all of the time. I wanted to hide them. I wanted to pretend that they weren’t there. I didn’t want to face the questions that might come if people saw them. I was bound up by my past. I was a prisoner.
I am a leader at Celebrate Recovery and yet I was not free. I have done the steps. I have shared my testimony. I had done all of the “things”, but I was still bound. I felt like it was always one step forward, two steps back. I would make progress and then run right back. I couldn’t get past the scars. The scars represented all the parts of me that I hated.
I had to travel all of the way the Saddleback Church in California for God to set me free. I went to the Celebrate Recovery Summit with ten of my fellow leaders. I struggled with the thought of going. My life was falling to pieces around me and I didn’t think that I had what it takes to be on the trip. This was the enemy trying to keep me away from a date with freedom.
We sat there on the first morning waiting for things to begin. We had been able to spend time at the beach the day before and I had been refreshed and felt joy like I hadn’t felt in a very long time. I already felt like God had done something great… I had no idea that I had only scratched the surface of what He wanted to do.
Plumb was the singer that was opening the event. I have to be honest and say that I wasn’t super familiar with her music. I had heard a few songs, but that was about it. The lights dimmed, she began to sing and God began to work. All of the songs felt like they were meant just for me, but one in particular was used to break something inside of me that had been bound for a long time.
The song was titled “Beautifully Broken”. As the words were sung, walls that had been surrounding my heart and mind for so long began to shake and fall. Tears streamed down my face and peace and joy overwhelmed me. I felt the Lord whispering to me that I didn’t need to hide the scars anymore. I didn’t need to hide who I was because my scars are a beautiful testament to the work He has done and is still doing in my life.
You’re beautifully broken
And you can be whole again
Even a million scars
Doesn’t change whose you are
Beautifully Broken, Plumb
I know that what happened to me today is not a magic pill that will instantly make everything better. I still need to do the work. I still need to take my medication. I still need to be accountable. But, today I was set free. The walls came down. I embraced my scars. I saw their beauty instead of their shame. I am free.