It hurts. No one tells you in the parenting books how much being a parent can hurt. When your child is sick or falls down and scrapes a knee, you hurt with them. When they face bullies at school and fights with friends, your heart hurts right along with theirs. Being a mom is the most rewarding and most painful job I have ever had.
Why am I talking about the hurt of parenting? Because I am watching my oldest boy, the boy who made me a mommy fight the ugly fight of mental illness. In a few days, I will check my sweet boy into the hospital. We will miss celebrating his birthday with him; we will miss his first day back at school. It. hurts.
No one prepares you for those moments that hit you like a knife to the heart. No one talks about the feeling you have when you watch your son fight the dark the way that you have fought the dark. It. hurts. No rational parent wants to see her child hurting. Life is hard and kids need to know that things won’t always be easy. BUT that doesn’t lessen the pain you feel when your sweet boy is hurting.
The hurt and the guilt battle for control in my heart as I prepare to leave my boy in the hands of others. I feel that this is somehow my fault, that it is my faulty genetics that cause him to fight this battle. These thoughts are not from God. These thoughts are from the enemy who wants to cripple me with fear and shame and guilt. He wants me to allow this pain to be the catalyst that sends me into my own dark place. But the enemy does not have the authority in this house.
I don’t want him to have to walk this road, but it is his road to walk. It will not be easy… for any of us. We were never promised an easy road, but we were promised that Jesus would be with us. No one prepared me for this part of being a mom. No one told me how my heart would be ripped in two watching my boy battle his darkness. It. Hurts.
I have told you these things, so that in me you may have
Peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart!
I have overcome the world.
It. hurts. This is one of the hardest things I’ve done as a parent, but I will trust God in the process. I will lean into His arms, as my heart is hurting. I will surround myself with the people who will pray for me and walk this road with me as I watch my boy walk his road. It. Hurts. But I am at peace.