If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts in any capacity, please know you are not alone. Do not keep these thoughts to yourself. Reach out to a friend, or to any one of the numbers listed under our find help tab. And if you only take one thing away from this post, know that you, our dear friend, are loved.
There is a song that makes me think of you. I think of the daily fight you face with your will to live. You are weary from the battle, wondering when there will be a reprieve, when God will finally take this battle away from you. It has been years in the making and you are fighting every day. Every. Single. Day. You walk through each day – one step at a time – working to be the person you perceive that God wants you to be; knowing that this brokenness will become beauty. You take the steps you are supposed to take, say the words you are supposed to say, going through the motions with no results.
There’s miles of land in front of us
We’re dying with every breath we take
We’re dying with every breath we make
And I’ll fall in line
Inside, your soul is screaming “look at me! Help me! Fix me! Heal me! Save me!”. Outside, no one sees. They see a strong woman, taking good care of her family, holding it all together
No one looks up anymore
Cause you might get a raindrop in your eye
And Heaven forbid they see you cry
As we fall in line
You listen to the sermons, go through the steps, get prayer, and then you hear that tiny voice tell you He is there for you, calling after His daughter. He has saved you from your darkness so many times.
Then out of the corner of my eye
I see a spaceship in the sky
and hear a voice inside my head
Follow me instead
And then I start down the sand
My eyes are focused on the end of land
But again the voice inside my head says
Follow me instead
So many of your new church family coming to your side to walk with you through this. Still though – the darkness chases you; hunts you down in the dark of night to choke your hope. It has been beating you down with secrets of shame and worthlessness, incapability and doubt. Illusions of death being your only option. But now the darkness has convinced you that you are not even worth death. It plays with you, tightening its grip, forming a slow process of torture, convincing you that no one will be there to walk with you through this.
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life and have it to the full. John 10:10
This darkness you live with is consuming you, and you feel alone. Hopeless. Incapable. Powerless. This legalistic view of the thoughts you have consuming you is killing you; driving you to punish yourself for your thoughts and feelings, not knowing what to believe anymore.
God is no stranger to suicide, my dear friend. There are stories of suicide in the bible: 7 to be exact. Others have attempted. Each have had their own reason. Some are known as heroes. God wants you to know that you are not alone. He wants you to know this so much that he doesn’t shy away from talking about it! He does not condemn you for your thoughts – He understands them!
Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death. Romans 8:1-2
You, my friend, even in the midst of your darkest night, have been given a purpose. He is waiting in this mess with you, growing a powerful weapon for others who will walk this road like you have. Not to punish you, but so that you can bring others through their darkness.
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11
You are weary, worn and beaten down. Your battle has become so loud that it is the only thing you can hear. Except there are moments – glimpses of God’s whisper that peek through the darkness in your life that shine like beacons to me. You asked me if I thought you could beat this. My reply was yes, but it’s not a you beating it kind of thing. It’s a God carrying you through it and helping you live with it. You may never get clear of suicidal thoughts or food and weight obsession, but you will learn to allow God to feed you truth when you need it.
Take me up, seal the door
I don’t want to march here anymore
I realize that this line is dead
So I’ll follow you instead
So then you put me back in my place
So I might start another day
And once again I will be
In a march to the sea
~lyrics from “March to the Sea”, Twenty-One Pilots