Life is hard. That is a given. Jesus told us that we would have trouble, but He gave us the hope that He has overcome the world. Without even being aware it was happening, I began to allow a victim mentality to creep in. I allowed this way of thinking to slowly take over until I find myself believing that I am a victim and that things will never be okay, so I just gave up. I quit trying and fell back on the ways of coping that make me numb. I was more concerned with shutting down than I was with what was happening to those who know and care about me.
I have told you these things so that in Me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.
John 16:33 NIV
If you know my story, or even parts of it, you will know that in the world’s eyes I would have every right to call myself a victim. I have experienced abuse- physical, sexual, and emotional abuse. When I hear people tell me that what I have been through is hard and must have been painful, I usually shrug it off. I do this, because I have seen myself as insignificant and unworthy. I didn’t feel like I was worth taking the time to deal with the pain. In my own way, this is how I made myself a victim. I had been hurt and used, but why bother to try to heal? I wasn’t worth the time or effort.
I didn’t want to do the work to become the whole woman God sees in me, not because I am lazy, but because I didn’t think I was worth the effort. By choosing to live as a broken victim, I am not only hurting my chance of healing, but I am hurting those around me. I am hurting the people who love me as they sit and watch me continue to harm myself. They feel helpless because as much as they want to help, they don’t really know what to do. I am hurting my relationship with my kids, because I am no longer able to be present with them. I am a shell. Well, no more!
I had a rude wake up call the other night. It was my “aha” moment. The moment when I needed to choose life or death. A switch was flipped inside my numbed out heart and mind. I felt feelings. I felt pain and sadness. It was beautiful and horrible all at the same time. God whispered in my ear, “You matter” You are worth it” You are enough”. I matter! I am worth fighting for! I am enough in Jesus!
“Don’t be afraid, I’ve redeemed you. I’ve called your name. You’re mine. When you’re in over your head, I’ll be there with you. When you’re in rough waters, you will not go down. When you’re between a rock and a hard place, it won’t be a dead end- Because I am God, your personal God, The Holy of Israel, your Savior. I paid a huge price for you… That’s how much I love you! I’d sell off the whole world to get you back, trade the creation just for you.
Isaiah 43: 1-4 MSG
The road to recovery, restoration, and healing will not be an easy one. It will not be achieved in trying, but rather in surrender. Healing will come in letting go of that victim mentality and all of the unhealthy habits that come with it to numb the pain. Recovery will hurt. Recovery will be work. But I am worth the fight. I matter. I am loved.