Dark. Foggy. Numb. This is what my depression feels like these days. As I sit here trying to type I fight the fight of wanting to make it seem not so bad, to put a happy face on and say, “it’s really no big deal”. But I am going to take a deep breath and be real for a few minutes. I am going to tell you what it’s really like inside my head right now.
It feels like drowning. I am just below the surface of the water so desperate for air, but I can’t quite reach the surface. It is exhausting. It makes me want to give up and surrender to the darkness. But I can’t. Because to surrender to the dark means that the dark wins and I want so much more than this. I know this is only a season and that there will be light again, but that doesn’t make the dark any less dark in this moment.
It feels like detachment. It feels like not being able to be happy or sad. Yes, I smile and yes I laugh, but it feels like I am an actor in a play. I hug my kids tight and breathe in the scent of their freshly washed hair and pray that this darkness will lift so that I can experience the joy that comes from holding them close. I sit with friends and feel like my body is there, but my head and my heart are trapped somewhere far far away. I long to be present, but right now I am not here.
It feels endless. The days stretch out in an endless fog of going through the motions and trying to make it just one more minute. The nights are full of painful thoughts and dreams that torment me. The days feel like weeks and the weeks feel like years.
But it is not all dark and hopeless. In these times I am reminded that although I feel alone. I am not. Although it all feels so dark and hopeless, there is light and there is hope. I don’t know how long this darkness will last. I don’t know what it will take to overcome the beast this time. But, I will look for the hope and I will look for the light. The hope comes in the text from a friend or the voice of the one who stops to say, “Hey, I’m praying for you”. I am a child of the One who is the Light of the world. It is his light that will pierce the darkness that threatens to overwhelm me.