Realness

*Trigger warning. This post is raw and deals with thoughts and feelings that could be triggering to some. Please be aware when reading and reach out for help if you are feeling vulnerable.

Stupid. Worthless. Irrelevant. That is what you are. No one wants you. You should have never been born. Your friends are not your friends. No one loves you. No one will ever love you. You are fake. You are a loser. You should just kill yourself.

These are the thoughts that swirl in my brain as I try to connect in this time of disconnect. They are relentless. Some days they are a quiet whisper and other days they scream. When they whisper, I can pretend that they are not there and make it through the day. When they scream, it is the only sound I can hear.

What is there to do? How can I survive? My thoughts tell me that I should be alone. My thoughts say that no one wants to hear, that no one wants to share in the mess that is my mind. Maybe they are right. But then again maybe they are wrong. Maybe the thoughts are wrong, but what if they’re right?

I lie here in agony, but the voices overwhelm. Cut and you will be free. Take a drink and numb the pain of the words. Ignore it, but it won’t go away. What do I do? How can I escape? Free, I want to be free. What will quiet the thoughts. How do I go to battle against myself? I am the enemy.

I long for the release that tears would bring, but tears refuse to flow. I want to cause pain just to feel something. As I sit and write these words I wonder if I would ever have the courage to reveal this part of me? Can I share the pain of the voices in my head? Will it cost me more than I am willing to give? I know that I cannot heal what I continue to conceal. 

Even as I write I feel the mask going back on. I feel the steel armour that I use to protect my heart. But does it really? Does the armour really protect, or does it keep everyone away? How do I chip away at this barrier that fits me like a glove? Do I walk this walk alone or do I invite others along on the journey? 

I don’t know what I will do and that is the honest truth. Will I fall back on all the things I use to keep me safe? Or will I take the risk and try something that is new? All it would take is a call or a text. A moment of realness to ask for a partner on the walk. I don’t know if I can do it. I pride myself for being fierce, but it takes more courage than I have to lower the gates and need someone.

God help me, I can’t help myself.

And then. Thank you Jesus for the and then. And then I hear the whisper that cuts through the noise in my head. The whisper that says now is your time. You have a choice to make. Step into the freedom that is offered to you today, or continue to be beaten down by the chains that hold you captive. I know what I want, but I am afraid.

I am afraid to be vulnerable. I am afraid to bleed. I am afraid to truly need someone. And then. I send out a text. And then. I go to share group. And then. I plug in with my forever family. And then. I say the words, “I’m not okay right now”. And then. I let somebody see. And then. I have taken my first step. And then.

This is not a fight that will be won overnight. But this is not a fight that I need to fight at all. “The Lord will fight for you, you need only be still”. Exodus 14:14. Be still. Surrender. Rest. And this is how the battle will be won.

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