Here I am

Here I am. Fighting once again to get to that place of, “okay”. But what is, okay?  I don’t even know if I am aware of what exactly “okay” is. I’ve been struggling for what seems like forever, with dark thoughts and I don’t like the heaviness that comes with these thoughts. It weighs on me and drags me down, but what I hate the most is that I allow the darkness to seep into my relationships. Soon enough, everyone around is the enemy and I have to fight this battle on my own. 

But that is not the way my God created me to be. He didn’t create me to walk this road alone and without hope. No. In my weakness and in my darkness, I am to reach out to the light that never fades. The hope that I find in Jesus. Even in this darkness, even in this chronic low, I know that I am a child of God and that I am loved. 

I have time to reflect on things while I sit here and work on getting better. I realize that I am blessed. Even in the darkest dark, I am blessed. I used to think that in order to be blessed you had to be happy, and healthy, and well. Now I realize that even in the middle of my mess, I am blessed. I have access to healthcare so that I can get the help that I need, when I need it. I have friends that love me enough to give me “tough love” when it is required. 

I am learning slowly that this is chronic. I have friends with chronic medical conditions, and I don’t bat an eye if they need to take time off or if they need to slow down, so why can’t I have the same grace for myself? Because somehow, even with all of my education and awareness, I still see mental illness as “different” than medical illness. Why is it that the chemicals in my brain just don’t work the way that they are supposed to? I can’t answer that question and that’s okay. I need to put on those grace lenses and view myself as just another child of God who needs a little help. It’s okay to not be okay sometimes and to get the help that is needed. 

So here I am. Getting the help that I need telling you that it’s okay to do the same. 
We all need a little help sometimes, so take it when it’s offered. One day, the roles will be reversed, and you might be the one in a position to help. God never wastes a moment, so I believe that I am going through this for a season and for a reason. 

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